Deniz Aykol Ünal, a Specialist Clinical Psychologist in Child and Adolescent Mental Health at Near East University Yeniboğaziçi Hospital, emphasized that reactions such as crying or reluctance to separate from parents during the initial school period do not always indicate an adaption problem. She said, “Adapting to school does not mean the child never cries; rather, it means learning that they are safe even if they do cry.”

As schools open and a new term begins for children, many parents experience similar anxieties at the school gate. Alongside new classrooms, friends, adults, and rules, the temporary separation from the person with whom the child feels safe turns the first few days of school into a significant adjustment process.

Children who cry, refuse to enter the classroom, or refuse to let go of their mother’s or father’s hand at the school gate can prompt questions in parents’ minds, such as “Is my child not ready?” or “Did I do something wrong?” Noting that starting school involves more than just entering a new educational environment, Specialist Clinical Psychologist Deniz Aykol Ünal said, “The child steps out of their familiar routine, forms relationships with new adults, interacts with peers, attempts to adapt to new rules, and separates for a time from the caregiver who provides a sense of safety. Therefore, school adaption should not be based on the question; ‘How many days did it take for them to stop crying?’ The real issue is the child’s ability to develop a sense of security in the new environment.”

Stating that young children cannot always express their intense emotions through words, Specialist Clinical Psychologist Ünal noted that anxiety can manifest not only through crying but also through symptoms such as a refusal to go to school, clinging to parents, anger, sleep difficulties, and stomach aches or nausea. “Instead of labeling a child’s crying as ‘spoiled behavior’, ‘stubbornness’, or ‘excessive dependency’, we should look at the message underlying the behavior”, said Specialist Clinical Psychologist Ünal. “After all, children’s behaviors are often the language of emotions they cannot yet put into words.”

 Acknowledge their feelings instead of saying “Don’t be afraid”!

Specialist Clinical Psychologist Deniz Aykol Ünal noted that parents often use phrases like “There’s nothing to be afraid of”, “Look, everyone goes to school”, or “You’re a big kid now” in an attempt to eliminate their child’s anxiety, but pointed out that this approach does not actually make the child’s feelings go away. Emphasizing that a more supportive approach involves acknowledging the child’s emotions, Ünal said, “Saying things like, ‘It might feel hard to separate from me right now. I understand. But you are safe, and I will come back to pick you up.’ makes the child feel that their feelings are acknowledged and that they are capable of coping with them. The goal isn’t for the child never to feel anxious. It is for them to learn how to function effectively even when they do experience anxiety.”

Prolonged goodbyes can increase uncertainty

Drawing attention to the importance of how goodbyes are handled during the school adjustment process, Specialist Clinical Psychologist Deniz Aykol Ünal stated that repeatedly dragging out the farewell, returning after leaving the classroom, or slipping away without the child noticing can increase uncertainty.

The specialist recommends a brief, clear, and consistent goodbye. Ünal said, “A child might cry. This does not mean the separation is wrong. A parent’s role is not to eliminate all of the child’s negative emotions, but to safely accompany them through those feelings.”

Emphasizing that children should not be compared to one another during the school adjustment process, Specialist Clinical Psychologist Deniz Aykol Ünal noted that while one child might play with peers on the very first day, another might need a long time to simply observe the new environment.

“Children differ in terms of temperament, developmental characteristics, and past experiences.” said Ünal. “Comparisons such as ‘Your friend isn’t crying at all’ or ‘Why haven’t you adjusted yet?’ can reinforce the idea in the child’s mind that ‘there is something wrong with me.’ A child does not need to adjust at the same pace as another, what they need is to build a sense of security at their own speed.”

Parental anxiety is also part of the process

Reminding us that starting school is a separation experience for parents as well, Ünal pointed out that children observe their parents’ emotional reactions.

Highlighting the importance of parents maintaining a calm and resolute attitude, Ünal said, “Being calm does not mean not feeling sad at all. However, the child should not have to manage their parent’s emotions or comfort them. It is important for the child to receive the message: ‘Even if my mother is sad, she can handle this separation.’”

When should professional support be sought?

Stating that it is not right to view every instance of school refusal as a psychological problem, Specialist Clinical Psychologist Deniz Aykol Ünal from Near East University Yeniboğaziçi Hospital’s Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Department emphasized the need to consider the intensity and duration of the anxiety, as well as the extent to which it affects the child’s daily life.

“A professional assessment may be beneficial if there are signs of persistent refusal to attend school, intense and recurring physical complaints, significant sleep problems, excessive fear, social withdrawal, or prolonged, intense distress.” said Specialist Clinical Psychologist Ünal, noting that underlying causes of school refusal can include social anxiety, difficulties in peer relationships, bullying, learning issues, or other psychological factors, in addition to separation anxiety.